Where ever you are this festive season, I'll be holding you in my thoughts, as another Christmas and New Year comes our way. Remembering families the world over without their babies or loved ones in their arms, be it their first year or subsequent years. These messages on my tree are especially for you.
Still mornings, the mind works overtime, as I sit staring out the window reflecting on another year just gone. There will be only one child breathing, one set of footsteps stomping and one tantrum bellowing through the house. Yet my mind remains transfixed on a grief not yet let go. It's been almost 4 years the reasoning in me says, time to let go and move on. "Yes I know", I tell myself through tears, "but I can't"says the mother in me. We hold our babies for an eternity in our hearts, when they should be in our arms. How do you decide one day to stop?
Nights are always the hardest and early mornings are no different, both are dark like the recesses of our heart. Carved out of grief. Yet for some reason today, I'm embracing it. Allowing myself the space to just pour out the words onto paper. The first bird chips and just as the dawn yawns from her sleepy slumber, the chirps double in numbers. The lone morning star winks at me and disappears, bidding me good morning. The clouds have been smeared with red, almost like they're pushing the dark clouds back. A deep breath in and a long slow release out. A new day waits, snoring reflects off the bedroom walls, then an alarm melodically replaces it soon after. Haaaaa I wouldn't surpass this moment for anything. I love that my partner sounds like a giroffolo and my daughter hogs my bed, I wouldn't change this feeling for anyone.
