Angel Day Vikki-Ann

My hearts heavy, it feels back in the moment and feels like its screaming. Where did the years go? Years filled by grief, by hate, guilt, resentment and those feelings that are in no way good for my soul. I don't know how to feel honestly, I'm just letting my feelings be in the moment. Not resisting, not over thinking, just being. Thank you my little girl for blessing my heart with nothing but love. With the empathy and humility to see past another's misfortune and accept them as they are. That people who experience loss are entitled to their grief and that we all grieve differently. There is no one size fits all procedure to battling inside, it needs to go through the motions. To be coaxed out of its recess and brought into the light. You will forever be with mama. Love you always Vikki-Ann

Happy Birthday my namesake

I was named after such a beautiful Aunty, a well educated, humble woman who we lost to sickness 24 years ago. She was 12 days away from her 48th birthday and 7 days away from my 13th birthday. I miss her terribly I really do. I remember just being released from hospital and we had gone to visit Aunty the weekend before her passing. But also to return her car to her. I was wheelchair bound thanks to some fancy hip surgery, so had my brother carrying me around :) so so lucky. That was the last time I would see her. I remember the day, we lived in Taumarunui and it was like being told the worst news ever! We were packed into the car and I remember feeling so much sadness, because I loved her so much. The clouds on our drive there looked stormy and dark, to me it represented the way my heart felt. On arrival I was carried up the steps to her house in my wheelchair and it was at that moment it struck me hard. Aunty was gone forever. I remember feeling hands consoling me during that time, but I just wanted my Aunty back. Even now remembering, It brings floods of tears. I remember sitting in the bath and I know she came to visit me. I'd never felt the presence of a spirit before and I knew at that moment it was her. I cried and cried, cried when I went to bed, whispering her name, holding my hand out wishing she was there to hold it. That was my first real experience with grief close to home, grief close to my heart that it struck like beating your chest. Your heart skips a beat and really, you never forget. 24 years on and I remember like it was yesterday. I wish that I had grown up just like her. She was a well respected lady, astute, humble and beautiful in every way. I will never forget her coughs or throat clearing, it was a part of Aunty i'll never forget. Love you Aunty Ani Anne Herangi x (photo credit to my sister Maria - my dad and Aunty Ani)

Happy Birthday Mama

Today is my mums birthday - 5 years of birthdays without you here ~ looking at photos fills my heart with sadness, because it's like my memories of you are fading. I take in the details of the photos with an almost photographic memory, trying to remember when it was taken. The expression on your face, your eyes, smile, creases, hair and just everything. I've never had this before, why now? Maybe the distance from family does that to you? Time to go home again I feel, time to reconnect and get the home grounding sorted. Photo credit to my Neice and namesake of my mother.

Festive Feelings

Where ever you are this festive season, I'll be holding you in my thoughts, as another Christmas and New Year comes our way. Remembering families the world over without their babies or loved ones in their arms, be it their first year or subsequent years. These messages on my tree are especially for you.

Still mornings, the mind works overtime, as I sit staring out the window reflecting on another year just gone. There will be only one child breathing, one set of footsteps stomping and one tantrum bellowing through the house. Yet my mind remains transfixed on a grief not yet let go. It's been almost 4 years the reasoning in me says, time to let go and move on. "Yes I know", I tell myself through tears, "but I can't"says the mother in me. We hold our babies for an eternity in our hearts, when they should be in our arms. How do you decide one day to stop?

Nights are always the hardest and early mornings are no different, both are dark like the recesses of our heart. Carved out of grief. Yet for some reason today, I'm embracing it. Allowing myself the space to just pour out the words onto paper. The first bird chips and just as the dawn yawns from her sleepy slumber, the chirps double in numbers. The lone morning star winks at me and disappears, bidding me good morning. The clouds have been smeared with red, almost like they're pushing the dark clouds back. A deep breath in and a long slow release out. A new day waits, snoring reflects off the bedroom walls, then an alarm melodically replaces it soon after. Haaaaa I wouldn't surpass this moment for anything. I love that my partner sounds like a giroffolo and my daughter hogs my bed, I wouldn't change this feeling for anyone.

Prayers for Newtown CT

Today I am grateful I get to hold my daughter, to watch her crouched in front of the tv unaware of what's taking place in our world. Maybe ten years from now she will be watching worlds most heinous crimes on real life tv and realize she was 3.11 when it happened. What is she on about you might ask? I'm talking about the news of 20 children and 6 teachers who lost their lives, at the hand of a gun toting person. If in any way my numbers are incorrect, feel free to update. They were without their parents when it took place at their school. A place we send our babies to learn about the world and today the world learns about them. How do we grasp the reality of our world, how do we navigate life without feeling the weight of the world on us? All we do is pray, pray that never will we have to encounter such loss. That our families are safe always, that we are vigilant in our love to all and that nothing is left unsaid. We are in a position to heal our own lives through this tragedy, by giving all we got. Yes hold your babies extra tight, hold everyone tighter than usual, I know for one I will be. Rest in Paradise to the children and teachers who's lives were cut short.  May my prayers of embrace, strength and healing echo across the world to those who sit under griefs umbra.

Blog Changes

Over the next however long, our blog will be going through some major changes in terms of information and resources that are available to bereaved families who have little to no support systems in place.  If a family member has referred you here, then please accept my sincere condolences for your loss.  I hope that I can be a pillar to assist you on this path and how I can better support you in your time of need.  While I am not a qualified counselor or doctor (my advice in no way replaces that of their professional opinion or advice) I am here as a mother having experienced the stillbirth of my twin daughter, the miscarriage of twins, infertility following my loss and the stillbirth of a niece.  Each has brought their own mixed emotions to the forefront of every day being, molded me in some ways for my future being and allowed me to share what I have for everyone in the present.  There is no right or wrong way to express your emotions, provided they are healthy and cater to your well being in an uplifting way.

 

I share Soul Print Mama, because grief can isolate us.  I feel that applying a hands on approach to grief is the way in which I as a Maori woman function.  I love the creativity gifts that I have to offer and want to be able to teach these skills to families who want to memorialize a precious memory.  We don't have to be acclaimed artists.  Having the love of something we are passionate about is more than enough, be it singing, writing poetry, photography, paper mach, graphic design, clay work, sports, Kapa Haka, writing blogs anything.  My passion to write is what brought me out from my umbra of grief and it is with hope that I can do the same for other families.

Kia Tau Mai ee Aroha

Devine, Love Flows